Is Love Ever In Vain?

Image by Shift and Sheriff from Pixabay.

Yesterday, early in the morning, out of nowhere it came to me that it was an ex-boyfriend’s birthday. My last boyfriend. He actually was not a real boyfriend just someone I was starting to know. The whole experience was not a smooth one, because we lived our “romance” for most of its brief time a Continent apart. And since I am not the best when the subject is keeping in touch via messages, videos, texting… I guess at some point he thought I was losing interest in him. But I was not. I was just being me, the antisocial me, the person who sucks in keeping in touch. Or to keep any relationship, to be fair.

So when we reunited al last, he ditched me. With distance and then words in a message. Still don’t know why exactly, but I let him go. Easily. Not because I was no longer interested in trying but because I realized I didn’t like the version of him that didn’t like me. That simple.

And yet, that hard.

We moved on, in different directions and up to this moment our paths haven’t crossed. And I don’t think it ever will. Because that is what happens every time with me and my relationships. They only last till they last. And when it’s over it doesn’t become something else, just a nothing.

And that is the tuff part for me; this nothing afterwards. Because all my exes or most of them were keepers, men that I would like to keep around, in my life. Not for sex or any romantic innuendo but as a friend or at least someone that somehow would still be part of my life, even if sporadically. To talk, laugh here and there, over a coffee. Or a tea.

It’s not because we are no longer in love or falling in love that we couldn’t keep in touch. At least for me. For them it seems an impossible task. When it’s over it’s like I got a terrible contagious disease and they feel as if they need to be far away from me. As far as they can. It’s a matter of life and death.

Dramatic but true. And that is how endings like that makes me feel. A failure. Worthless. Nothing.

Just someone who never had a bad, sore breakup does believe that the first impressions are the ones that remain. In this case, it’s not. It’s that last sad, ugly, sore memory of that melancholic breakup that will stick with you, that will flavor the whole story with its bitterness, regardless the story you had before it. Because when you look back and recall the story, it’s not the good silly times we had together, the way our conversation flew as if we were best friends for years and years, the way he knew how to put a big smile in my face that will come up. All of it is vanished and what remains is how bitter and sour was that ending. How horrible it made you feel. And it’s impossible not to think that that story deserved a better end. Not necessarily happily ever after, but a much better one. I deserved better. You deserved better. We deserved better.

Would then this and other love stories with bad endings be in vain, I wonder?

It sure does feel like that, but then again love is love. And love, regardless the ending, is never, ever in vain.

Never.

Frozen

Photo: Pixabay.

Yet, still moving.

Where to?

No idea.

But always moving.

Away from my dreams.

For sure.

Because they are THE things I am doing my very best (or worst?) avoiding to go for.

So I move…

In other directions.

Any direction.

Away from them.

That is why I fell stuck, frozen in time. Because although I am moving I am going nowhere really. Not where I should go.

And that sucks.

Big time.

Not only because time is getting short each day, month and year I procrastinate yet another step in the right direction.

But because deep inside I know I am not doing what I am suppose to do.

Funny thing is I don’t think I am moving too far from my dreams.

I stick around.

Just in case?

With a wide opened eye on them.

A heart beating in their rhythm.

But my feet, damn feet!, follows my scary mind that keep on walking away from them.

Poor thing.

Just going round and round, waiting to jump in any moment.

Actually, not in any any moment, but the perfect moment when inspiration becomes so impossible to avoid that I have no other alternative other than jump in.

All in.

Organically.

Fully.

But the sad true is the fear of failure (or should I say, to succeed?), the ghost of perfectionism, the critical devil inside keep guarding me from this vital jump.

With words.

Emotions.

Blindness.

Anxiety.

Procrastination.

Till when will I be around waiting for that perfect moment that will never ever come? I wonder.

Because there is no such thing as the perfect moment. Just the moment. And by itself, without harsh judgements or romantic ideals, it can become the perfect moment.

Or something very close to it.

I don’t fear the answer. I know the answer.

What I fear the most is to know that even knowing the recipe to unfrozen me, here I am, frozen as an Iceberg.

Floating.

But not really.

Stuck.

And yet moving.

Round and round.

Going nowhere.

With this huge and amazing ocean to brave ahead.

What To Do When Perfectionism Is Keeping You Stuck

Well, if I knew the path to solve this dilemma I wouldn’t be here stuck, eating sugar compulsively, procrastinating like a crazy person as if I had plenty of time to do whatever… Instead, I would be out there or just here, getting, in fact, some major business done.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay.

And man, how I need to get some business done. I am desperately for it. Lately I have had so many good ideas that I want to put in practice, so many projects to work on, so many posts to write about, so many things to say, to share… Yep, overwhelming. And of course, I want everything to come across just perfect. As perfect as it is in my mind. And when I start to execute and notice that is not quite like it, I freeze, I get stuck. And I do because I doubt myself and my ability in doing something as perfect as I expect them to be. This curb totally my enthusiasm, my drive to do whatever.

I remember when I was a teenager and wanted to start a journal, write my thoughts or anything that came to my mind in a gorgeous notebook and obviously in a beautiful way. But I never ever managed to started one because in my mind my writing was not that great and my calligraphy was messy, rushy and ugly. So, no way I would be able to journal as “I should”. Therefore, why bother doing it in a first place?…

Right? If in order for someone to be pleased with that action, that level of perfection is required, then probably right.

However, if someone was looking for something else, like a vent escape, a place to anchor their thoughts and let their feelings unfold, then probably wrong.

As I read somewhere recently:

“Perfectionism is the fear of being criticized.”

Not so sure if I agree with that. Because if that is the case, as my example above illustrated so well, ship has sailed cause even before we start or when we are just starting something, we are already being heavily criticized by ourselves. And that criticism never stops. And usually a perfectionist’s critic on the self is way harder than anyone else could possibly be.

But maybe that is why we, perfectionists are afraid of criticism. What if other people’s critic is even harder than ours?

Would that be even possible? Just wondering here…

But if it is, we are so used to our own that it shouldn’t be much harder to deal with other’s harsh thoughts…

In any case, underneath it all, there is a serious mind and emotional game playing on and on that doesn’t allow me to live by the only mantra that I truly believe could break this perfectionism spell: just go and do it, imperfectly, but do it. Because there is no other way to address this matter. No meditation, no therapy, no breathe. Just plain behavioral mindset. Go and do it. Imperfectly but done should be good enough.

It is not for a perfectionist, but it should. That is what keep successful people doing. And greatly.

Because they know there is no such thing as perfection. Just:

Perfectly Imperfect.

Or Imperfectly Perfect.

They know perfectionism is an unreachable goal that we set to sabotage ourselves in doing something, anything. That is why it doesn’t matter to them. Not as much. Not to the point of keeping them from doing it.

Deep inside, I particularly know that to be true, but still, it is very hard to accept that and live by that. Cause even deeper inside we are programmed to reach perfectionism.

Damn!

But I guess, if we want to move out of this perfectionism hole, this is the only rope around we have. So, that is my plan to beat that perfectionism monster within. Keep doing it. The best I can. Perfectly Imperfect. Imperfectly Perfect. Regardless what my bitchy perfectionist self think.

Being And Feeling Truly Grateful Even For The Bad Times

One of the things I always felt in my core that I needed to work on was to be truly grateful. For every little thing in my life right now and that ever happened to me. Every. Little. Thing. Good. Bad. And The Very Ugly.

Image by John Hain from Pixabay.

In my mind, as a concept, I always got why this is an important thing to bring to our lives, how being and feeling grateful can open a window of prosperity and joy in front of us and the whole zen-bang. Without it, it is like you don’t move as fast as you should.

And you aren’t even on the right direction.

Having understood all that, every time I have tried to actually be and feel grateful I always felt as if I was not really being and feeling as such. It seemed to be something I was just saying but not meaning. Because, let’s face it, how can someone be and feel grateful when shit is happening in full force? And although I have been having some good moments, most of my life lately and so far has fell short in being fulfilling.

So, every time I did one of those exercises to write down a few things I was grateful for every day, I did (with certain level of difficulty but I did) but still, didn’t feel it.

My biggest a-ha moment on that, was a few days ago when one of my beloved Yoga and Reiki Master, Nicole, posted on her Facebook stories a holistic tip: “be thankful for everything in your life. Even for the hard times. Just be thankful. The next time you go for a walk, just say thank you, thank you, thank you all along the way. ” She has been through some shitty moments lately and it was one of those tips she was giving to others but mainly to herself. Those tend to be the real good tips, by the way.

And I just did it as she said. Right after I heard it, the next morning when I went for a walk and I have been doing it every time I remember ever since. Because when I heard it, it spoke to me. It resonate deep in my soul. For the first time, maybe. At that moment, I was in this really dark, cloudy, stormy and windy moment of my life, where hope was running out and a blind faith that everything would be okay, eventually, was the only thing that I had to hold on to and surprisingly I managed to be and feel grateful for all of that. And for the first time I felt as I was meaning.

And that is the key to master this being and feeling grateful for everything deal: meaning it. Deep inside. When you hit that point, it does shine a light in you and this light clears the clouds, brightens the day, stops the wind, takes the storm away.

To be honest, there is no easy way towards it. You just have to keep on practicing your gratitude even when it doesn’t seem real and makes no sense to you. Keep on being and feeling grateful that one day, eventually, you will mean it.

And that will make the whole difference in your life. Hopefully. 🙏 🙌

On Comparison

Today I woke up thinking about comparison. Because it is impossible to navigate through Instagram without comparing yourself at some level. Especially when you are placing yourself out there as a brand, as I am trying to. My idea when I decided to have a presence in that particular social media was to voice my perspective regarding my life as a post-menopausal woman who went through hell and came back not only to tell her story but also to live in style. And loving every moment of it. But in a realistic, down to earth way, not in an Instagram way.

Well, first my moment at this moment is far from being lovable. Lots of dark clouds around, uncertainty, sadness, even some depression… Which is ok, it is part of living. And at least I am glad to be able to feel it again, even the bad things, cause for a long time I was simply numb. To everything. But still, not a shiny moment to be out there.

Second: I found a lot of stylish, interesting women around my age and older doing their thing out there. And rocking it. It is really fun, inspiring to look up to them. They got their place already and I think women around my age is pretty well represented. Which makes me think that I am late and kind of irrelevant right now. That is what comparison is all about, right?

Third: as I said above, my idea was to bring some down-to-earth kind of style/lifestyle. But the feeling I get on Instagram is that people over there want an Instagram reality not a real-deal one, with its ups and downs, its beautiful and ugly sides. People want high-production, shine happy, fun people all the time. And only that. For me this a bit tiring, draining even because nobody is like that all the time. Life is not just black or white, it is a mixture of them both and every color in between. And the energy to fake it is touchable out there. Which makes the whole experience extremely exhausting for someone empathic as I am. And I am not even gonna talk about how eventful their lives are: traveling every where, going to places all the time… I get tired just by looking at their busy routine… Oh, my!

Also, it is impossible not to look up to other feeds and compare to yours. And for a person like me, with a very lively sense of aesthetics, my feed looks terribly underwhelming. Pretty much my mood lately at some level. Which makes me want to up my game. But then I will lose my main inspiration to be there.

Fourth: man, how hard it is to grow organically out there. And here as well, for that matter. Some times it can really get into you. It is disappointing. And lonely. And it makes you want to give up because you think you are going nowhere and everything you are doing is pure crap, anyways. The others are the ones who are mastering it, so you don’t belong there. Or here.

And yes, I do know I do. Blogging at least is my place to be. I love it. And I know I used to be damn good at it. Just looking forward to find my voice and speak the hack of me. Because after all, everybody has its place. We just have to find it where it is. And let it shine.

And how about you? How are you dealing with comparison?